The Daily Struggle of Emetophobia

I have emetophobia.

This means I have a huge fear of throwing up. Like not just your typical fear of getting sick, but to a point where it impacts my life every single day. And I hate it. To put it into perspective, I would rather have an awful cold for the rest of my life if it meant that I would never have to throw up again.

I have been terrified of throwing up my whole life. My fear got increasingly worse when I was about 10 years old and started to get really bad acid reflux. I constantly felt like something was running up and down my throat and was petrified of throwing up because of it. I can tell you every single time somebody got sick in elementary school and where I was, which always ended in me running out of the room crying, calling home and saying that I didn't feel good either and was sure that I got sick from the person who threw up in class. I can tell you every time that I have gotten sick, and I think of those days literally every single day of my life, in fear that today will be the day that I get sick again.

It's ridiculous. And I absolutely hate it. And these are some ways that it impacts my daily life:

• I really truly never feel good, and I always have a stomach ache. Always!!! This is due to the anxiety that emetophobia causes. It's a viscous cycle of me being anxious about throwing up, which causes me to feel sick to my stomach, which gives me more anxiety because I think that I am going to throw up. And the cycle never ends.
• I can't cook meat. I am so terrified of giving myself food poisoning that I refuse to cook meat. And if anyone else is cooking meat, I inspect that thing like it might contain ebola. My family hates it, my boyfriend hates it, but I cannot help it! It's horrible but real.
• If someone I know was throwing up the night before, my anxiety level rises to a ridiculous height. I go back in my head and try to remember when the last time I saw that person was. Did I share a drink with them? Did I give them a hug? And then I will ask them at least 20 questions: do you think it was something you ate? how many times did you get sick? did anyone else you're close to get sick? when did you start feeling better? Again, SO RIDICULOUS and I know that, but I have to do it.
• I can only use the terms throw up or get sick. Any other terms that people use to describe throwing up are words that I refuse to use in my vocabulary.
• When I was in elementary school a girl told me that when she feels sick and lays on her stomach then she throws up. We were maybe eight years old. Ever since that day, I NEVER lay on my stomach in fear that it will somehow make me throw up. 
• I don't like being around really intoxicated people, because really intoxicated people throw up. My parents would say this is why they are "thankful" for my emetophobia, because they know I will never drink to the point of throwing up, which is a true fact.
• Some days it's really hard for me to eat food, especially if I'm not feeling great. In my head, if I don't eat food, that means I won't throw up. So when I'm not feeling great and know I obviously have to eat, I pick the plainest food you can come up with. Plain bread, plain crackers, plain pasta.....you get the point. This one is really tough.
• I wash my hands constantly, refuse to share drinks/food with people, and am kind of a germaphobe. This all stems from my fear that a person that I share a drink with or share food with will get the stomach flu and then I will get it too.
• I pray every single night that I don't throw up, and I have done this my entire life. And the prayer hasn't changed. Seriously, ask Emily Kunkle. I pray to God that I will not throw up, have the stomach flu, get food poisoning, or "anything like that". If I forget to, I am so fearful the next day that I will get sick. 

Emetophobia is real and it's terrible. I wish I didn't constantly worry about it, but I do. And I know someday that I will throw up again and that life will go on anyway, but my brain has a hard time understanding that. So if you have emetophobia, I understand. It is real and it is hard but you are not alone. And if you don't have this ridiculous, irrational, annoying fear of throwing up, be so thankful.