I told my ex-boyfriend that I would never love anybody the way that I loved him during the climax of my despair. I said it as a way to get him to understand how deeply hurt I was; a way to make him feel guilty. I didn't actually mean it at the time, I knew that someday another person would come along. But here I am, over a year into a new relationship, and I can say that what I said to him as my heart was broken was true. I will never love anybody like I loved him, no. I will, however, love somebody so much better.
I purposely chose not to say that I will love somebody more. I don't believe that love is measurable, I believe it is a feeling that is felt deeply and purely. I do believe, however, that you can love someone and that love can be toxic -- I lived through it. A love where I was constantly in fear of being rejected; a love that made me feel inferior. When that relationship ended, that type of love was all that I knew. I had no idea that it was possible to be in a relationship with somebody who lifts you up instead of tears you down.
A relationship where I can wake up and not have to think of all of the things I have to do in order to keep him around. A relationship where we can sit in the car and not fight about which direction the wind is blowing. A healthy relationship -- a better love.
So thank you, ex-boyfriend, for letting me go. Who knew that in my deepest sadness I would spit out the greatest truth? I will never, ever, love anybody the way I loved you. Instead, I choose to love and be loved so much better.
