Letter to Vollen

Dear Vollen,

I am writing this to you so you know how much you mean to me. I want you to know how you have impacted my life and given me purpose. You might not be able to understand this right now, but you will one day.

You came into my life at the most perfect time. God sent me you, I know it. I still remember seeing you in the Camp Munroe hallways and thinking "I have to meet him". Whoever thinks love at first sight doesn't exist needs to meet us, because our love story proves that it does. We had an instant connection, one that would turn into something extremely special.

The special bond that we have is due to many things, with fate and love being two reasons, but it is also because we have been through a lot together. I was there when you jumped for the first time. I was in the hospital with you when you had pneumonia and when you got your tonsils and adenoids taken out. I was with you when you started preschool and when you started using sentences. I was with you when you had your first music program. I was with you when you started kindergarten, and when you started learning how to read. I was with you when you started learning how to swim and how to ride a bike. I was with you when you started learning how to write your name, and then later when you learned how to SAY your name. I was with you (and thanked the Lord) when you finally got potty trained. I have been with you for the past four and a half years and have gotten to witness so many milestones in your life, but for every moment I have been with you, you have also been with me.

You were with me through the craziness of high school. You were with me through the scary year of my back surgery. You were with me when I was deciding on where to go to college. (Might I add that you, my love, are the reason I stayed in Omaha.) You were with me when I started living on my own for the first time. You were with me as I was starting college, and you were with me during heartbreak. You have seen me at my best and my worst, and have never judged me once. You are, and always have been, there. With a hug, with a smile, with a "LALA!!!!", or with at least 20 kisses, you have been there. Vollen, you are my safe place.

I know it is impossible for you to understand right now how important you are to me. To put it into the simplest words: I could not live without you. You truly are my sunshine. 

I know you are probably wondering why I decided to write this letter to you at 11 PM on a Friday, so let me tell you the reason. You are getting older. Every time I see a picture of you I realize that you are no longer my little baby that I met one hot day in July. Someday, we might not see each other weekly; you might not need me as much. We might live far away from each other and only get FaceTime dates every week. The reality is, there will come a day, whether it be in five or fifteen years, where our lives will change. With that being said, I need you to know something. No matter what changes in the future, I need you to know that you are always with me. You are my heart, Vollen Van. No matter where I go or what I do, you will always, ALWAYS, be with me. 

Bubs, being able to be a part of your life and watch you grow has been the most spectacular journey, a journey that will never end -- although I wish it would slow down. You give me purpose and a reason to smile every single day. Thank you for claiming me as your best friend, girlfriend, and the person you love most. I am so blessed to be your Lala.

Yours forever,

Your best friend/Girlfriend/Person you love Most/Lala

I won't love him like I loved you

I told my ex-boyfriend that I would never love anybody the way that I loved him during the climax of my despair. I said it as a way to get him to understand how deeply hurt I was; a way to make him feel guilty. I didn't actually mean it at the time, I knew that someday another person would come along. But here I am, over a year into a new relationship, and I can say that what I said to him as my heart was broken was true. I will never love anybody like I loved him, no. I will, however, love somebody so much better.

I purposely chose not to say that I will love somebody more. I don't believe that love is measurable, I believe it is a feeling that is felt deeply and purely. I do believe, however, that you can love someone and that love can be toxic -- I lived through it. A love where I was constantly in fear of being rejected; a love that made me feel inferior. When that relationship ended, that type of love was all that I knew. I had no idea that it was possible to be in a relationship with somebody who lifts you up instead of tears you down.

A relationship where I can wake up and not have to think of all of the things I have to do in order to keep him around. A relationship where we can sit in the car and not fight about which direction the wind is blowing. A healthy relationship -- a better love.

So thank you, ex-boyfriend, for letting me go. Who knew that in my deepest sadness I would spit out the greatest truth? I will never, ever, love anybody the way I loved you. Instead, I choose to love and be loved so much better.