I am scared. No, scratch that. I am terrified. I've never broken a bone, I've never even had one stitch! And now spinal fusion? I'm not ready for that. I'm terrified.
I remember the day I got diagnosed like it was yesterday. I was 10 years old, and Dr. Penny was doing my physical and noticed that I had a slight curve. She she told me to go see Dr. McGuire at the Creighton Medical Center. A few weeks later I found myself sitting in the waiting room. I had my first X-Ray. The first of many, many X-Rays. The results were pretty good! It wasn't a large curve. 20 degrees or so. Nothing to really worry about yet. I had to go back every 6 months and get X-Rays to make sure nothing changed. So for a solid two years I never missed an appointment, and my X-Rays always came back with good results. No change! So when I couldn't make it to one appointment, it wasn't the end of the world. Nothing ever changed anyway, so we just waited another 6 months to go back to Dr. McGuire. That one missed appointment literally changed everything. When I went back and got my X-Rays, Dr. McGuire came back with a sullen look on his face. My curve changed. Not just a little change, but a drastic change. Instead of being a 20 degree curvature, it was a 40-something degree curvature. In other words, that wasn't good. Dr. McGuire referred me to the Nebraska Spine Center where I met my current doctor, Dr. McClellan. I remember sitting in the office, age 13, and asking the nurse, "am I going to have to have back surgery?" The answer was no. The curvature wasn't bad enough and I was way too young. I hadn't even hit puberty yet - I had a lot of growing to do. I was relieved! The last thing I wanted was a surgery that would implant 2 titanium rods in my back and make me have a huge scar. No thanks. Instead, I had to wear a back brace. As if middle school wasn't awkward enough, add a back brace to the equation and you can only imagine how great my middle school years were! But - I didn't complain. If this was going to stop me from having to have surgery, I was all for it! I wore that leopard print back brace religiously. 23 hours a day! For two whole years. That is a long time to have to wear a plastic body suit that disabled my bending abilities, but again, I didn't complain. It became normal. Finally my sophomore year of high school, I stopped growing. This was great news, because when I stopped growing, I could get my brace off! This was because the brace was supposed to stop my curvature from increasing while I was growing. When you stop growing, your spine is supposed to stop moving. So, I got my brace off! Two freakin years, and I was done! My scoliosis worries were behind me...or so I thought.
After I got my back brace off I had to continue going to the Spine Center to make sure my curvature didn't keep increasing. The chances of your spine changing after you're done growing are very slim, so no one was too worried. Welp. I'm apparently the rarity. My curvature kept increasing and increasing, and I kept getting more and more frustrated. I spent two years dealing with a stupid plastic body vest that was supposed to make everything better - but it didn't. So at my most recent appointment, we had to make a decision. My curvature is at 58 degrees, which is not good. But! It's not HORRIBLE. I could live with a 58 degree curvature! Unfortunately, my spine doesn't want to stay still. It wants to keep curving. The chances of my spine staying at a 58 degree curvature are around 0%. As I get older, my curvature will keep getting worse, causing major problems. So, what're the other options you ask? Well, let me tell ya. It's a little something called spinal fusion. This means that I will have two titanium rods lining my spine, while little screws fuse it all together to make my it straight. This means that I, A) am going to be about 2 inches taller. That's not the worst thing in the world but come on, I'm already like 5'9. B) there are going to be some major restrictions afterwards. I won't be able to do contact sports or jump on a trampoline or do P90X or anything that really strains your back. Again, not a huge deal, but still sucks. Maybe I wanted to become a professional kick boxer?! C) this is a 6 week recovery. That's a long time to not be able to do much of anything. I'm a very active person, and I can't stand still. Literally I am ALWAYS doing something. Soooo that really sucks. D) I'm going to have a big scar down the center of my back. Really not a big deal at all, but what 18 year old girl wants to have that?! I can tell you. Zero.
All of that terrifies me. The surgery itself is terrifying! 5 hours under while they completely cut my back open and put metal RODS and SCREWS in there?! Ummm yeah no thanks. I'm terrified for afterwards. Am I ever going to be able to touch my toes ever again? Am I even going to be able to touch my knees?! Dance has been a HUGE part of my life since I could walk...will I ever be able to dance like I can dance right now? The answers to all of those questions are most likely (hopefully) yes. Everyone has told me that after about 6-8 weeks, things go back to normal! That you form a new normal...but I don't want a new normal. I like my normal right now.
So yes, I am terrified. But I know I can get through it. I am the most stubborn person in the world. Seriously. Ask my parents. Not only am I stubborn, but I am determined. I refuse to let this surgery hold me back from anything. I refuse to let it stop me from living my life to the fullest. If anyone can get through it, it would be me. It will be me! My surgery is a little over 3 months away. June 17th. That means my summer will be filled with lots of Netflix and ice cream, but hey, that doesn't even sound half bad. I am scared. But I will be okay.
