The Daily Struggle of Emetophobia

I have emetophobia.

This means I have a huge fear of throwing up. Like not just your typical fear of getting sick, but to a point where it impacts my life every single day. And I hate it. To put it into perspective, I would rather have an awful cold for the rest of my life if it meant that I would never have to throw up again.

I have been terrified of throwing up my whole life. My fear got increasingly worse when I was about 10 years old and started to get really bad acid reflux. I constantly felt like something was running up and down my throat and was petrified of throwing up because of it. I can tell you every single time somebody got sick in elementary school and where I was, which always ended in me running out of the room crying, calling home and saying that I didn't feel good either and was sure that I got sick from the person who threw up in class. I can tell you every time that I have gotten sick, and I think of those days literally every single day of my life, in fear that today will be the day that I get sick again.

It's ridiculous. And I absolutely hate it. And these are some ways that it impacts my daily life:

• I really truly never feel good, and I always have a stomach ache. Always!!! This is due to the anxiety that emetophobia causes. It's a viscous cycle of me being anxious about throwing up, which causes me to feel sick to my stomach, which gives me more anxiety because I think that I am going to throw up. And the cycle never ends.
• I can't cook meat. I am so terrified of giving myself food poisoning that I refuse to cook meat. And if anyone else is cooking meat, I inspect that thing like it might contain ebola. My family hates it, my boyfriend hates it, but I cannot help it! It's horrible but real.
• If someone I know was throwing up the night before, my anxiety level rises to a ridiculous height. I go back in my head and try to remember when the last time I saw that person was. Did I share a drink with them? Did I give them a hug? And then I will ask them at least 20 questions: do you think it was something you ate? how many times did you get sick? did anyone else you're close to get sick? when did you start feeling better? Again, SO RIDICULOUS and I know that, but I have to do it.
• I can only use the terms throw up or get sick. Any other terms that people use to describe throwing up are words that I refuse to use in my vocabulary.
• When I was in elementary school a girl told me that when she feels sick and lays on her stomach then she throws up. We were maybe eight years old. Ever since that day, I NEVER lay on my stomach in fear that it will somehow make me throw up. 
• I don't like being around really intoxicated people, because really intoxicated people throw up. My parents would say this is why they are "thankful" for my emetophobia, because they know I will never drink to the point of throwing up, which is a true fact.
• Some days it's really hard for me to eat food, especially if I'm not feeling great. In my head, if I don't eat food, that means I won't throw up. So when I'm not feeling great and know I obviously have to eat, I pick the plainest food you can come up with. Plain bread, plain crackers, plain pasta.....you get the point. This one is really tough.
• I wash my hands constantly, refuse to share drinks/food with people, and am kind of a germaphobe. This all stems from my fear that a person that I share a drink with or share food with will get the stomach flu and then I will get it too.
• I pray every single night that I don't throw up, and I have done this my entire life. And the prayer hasn't changed. Seriously, ask Emily Kunkle. I pray to God that I will not throw up, have the stomach flu, get food poisoning, or "anything like that". If I forget to, I am so fearful the next day that I will get sick. 

Emetophobia is real and it's terrible. I wish I didn't constantly worry about it, but I do. And I know someday that I will throw up again and that life will go on anyway, but my brain has a hard time understanding that. So if you have emetophobia, I understand. It is real and it is hard but you are not alone. And if you don't have this ridiculous, irrational, annoying fear of throwing up, be so thankful.

My J

All he knew was love.

These five words were spoken at Jaime's funeral, and have resonated with me ever since. It's taken me a long time to be able to put my thoughts into words, and even now I am still struggling. How do I explain the bond Jaime and I had? I truly think it was something you had to witness for yourself.

I met Jaime when I was 16. He came through the doors of Camp Munroe and I instantly fell in love. This blue eyed beauty stole my heart and has held it tight for the past five years. From army crawling during a field trip at camp, selfies in matching outfits at 630 in the morning, and an infinite number of snuggles and smiles, J has been my guy. So much of my heart was given to J and I wasn't ready for him to take it to heaven.

I hope he knows how much he means to me and how much of an impact he made on my life. I hope he knows I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't have the opportunity to love him. I will forever ask myself: did I do enough? Could I have made more of an effort to go see him more often? As I struggle with those questions, I will honor him in the only way I know how: to love. To love without boundaries and to love without judgement. To have a completely open heart and smile even when things get hard. My strength will come from my J. All Jaime knew was love. He did not know hate, he did not know jealousy, he did not know fear, and he did not know anger. He knew love. That love will get me through the hard times, and stay with me forever.

To my sweet little werewolf: I feel you within me with every beat of my heart. You have shown me love in the truest and purest form. Your light will forever shine on this world, because your soul is just that powerful. I cannot wait to see you again.

Letter to Vollen

Dear Vollen,

I am writing this to you so you know how much you mean to me. I want you to know how you have impacted my life and given me purpose. You might not be able to understand this right now, but you will one day.

You came into my life at the most perfect time. God sent me you, I know it. I still remember seeing you in the Camp Munroe hallways and thinking "I have to meet him". Whoever thinks love at first sight doesn't exist needs to meet us, because our love story proves that it does. We had an instant connection, one that would turn into something extremely special.

The special bond that we have is due to many things, with fate and love being two reasons, but it is also because we have been through a lot together. I was there when you jumped for the first time. I was in the hospital with you when you had pneumonia and when you got your tonsils and adenoids taken out. I was with you when you started preschool and when you started using sentences. I was with you when you had your first music program. I was with you when you started kindergarten, and when you started learning how to read. I was with you when you started learning how to swim and how to ride a bike. I was with you when you started learning how to write your name, and then later when you learned how to SAY your name. I was with you (and thanked the Lord) when you finally got potty trained. I have been with you for the past four and a half years and have gotten to witness so many milestones in your life, but for every moment I have been with you, you have also been with me.

You were with me through the craziness of high school. You were with me through the scary year of my back surgery. You were with me when I was deciding on where to go to college. (Might I add that you, my love, are the reason I stayed in Omaha.) You were with me when I started living on my own for the first time. You were with me as I was starting college, and you were with me during heartbreak. You have seen me at my best and my worst, and have never judged me once. You are, and always have been, there. With a hug, with a smile, with a "LALA!!!!", or with at least 20 kisses, you have been there. Vollen, you are my safe place.

I know it is impossible for you to understand right now how important you are to me. To put it into the simplest words: I could not live without you. You truly are my sunshine. 

I know you are probably wondering why I decided to write this letter to you at 11 PM on a Friday, so let me tell you the reason. You are getting older. Every time I see a picture of you I realize that you are no longer my little baby that I met one hot day in July. Someday, we might not see each other weekly; you might not need me as much. We might live far away from each other and only get FaceTime dates every week. The reality is, there will come a day, whether it be in five or fifteen years, where our lives will change. With that being said, I need you to know something. No matter what changes in the future, I need you to know that you are always with me. You are my heart, Vollen Van. No matter where I go or what I do, you will always, ALWAYS, be with me. 

Bubs, being able to be a part of your life and watch you grow has been the most spectacular journey, a journey that will never end -- although I wish it would slow down. You give me purpose and a reason to smile every single day. Thank you for claiming me as your best friend, girlfriend, and the person you love most. I am so blessed to be your Lala.

Yours forever,

Your best friend/Girlfriend/Person you love Most/Lala

I won't love him like I loved you

I told my ex-boyfriend that I would never love anybody the way that I loved him during the climax of my despair. I said it as a way to get him to understand how deeply hurt I was; a way to make him feel guilty. I didn't actually mean it at the time, I knew that someday another person would come along. But here I am, over a year into a new relationship, and I can say that what I said to him as my heart was broken was true. I will never love anybody like I loved him, no. I will, however, love somebody so much better.

I purposely chose not to say that I will love somebody more. I don't believe that love is measurable, I believe it is a feeling that is felt deeply and purely. I do believe, however, that you can love someone and that love can be toxic -- I lived through it. A love where I was constantly in fear of being rejected; a love that made me feel inferior. When that relationship ended, that type of love was all that I knew. I had no idea that it was possible to be in a relationship with somebody who lifts you up instead of tears you down.

A relationship where I can wake up and not have to think of all of the things I have to do in order to keep him around. A relationship where we can sit in the car and not fight about which direction the wind is blowing. A healthy relationship -- a better love.

So thank you, ex-boyfriend, for letting me go. Who knew that in my deepest sadness I would spit out the greatest truth? I will never, ever, love anybody the way I loved you. Instead, I choose to love and be loved so much better.

Loft 89

I have gotten a LOT of people asking me about how in the world I got to meet Taylor Swift. Instead of telling the story a million times and leaving things out, I thought I would just write about it!

I have been a TSwift fan since I was in 6th grade and jammed to Teardrops on My Guitar on the reg. She was everything that I wanted to be; I looked up to her so much. Eight years have passed since Teardrops on My Guitar was my top played song on my iPod shuffle, and I look up to her just as much, if not more. Her kind heart and positive spirit is something that I strive for in my life. I love how she is one of the most famous people in the entire world, and is such a good influence on young people. There are too many celebrities that use their fame in a negative way, and don't make the world a better place when they have the ability to. Taylor Swift does make a difference, and that is why I have so much respect for her. (These are all reasons I love her besides the fact that her songs are so relatable and allow for constant dance parties.)

1989 was my third time seeing Taylor Swift in concert, and my sister and I were determined to meet her. We knew that her mom picked people throughout the concert to meet her after the show, and wanted to get noticed. We made light up 1989 signs that were cut out of reflective pasteboard material and wire battery powered christmas lights.

We hoped that with this killer sign we would be more noticeable. We also decided to make shirts, just in case we did actually meet her. You will see the shirts in the pictures at the end, but they said "I (cat face in place of a heart) TS" and under it said 1989 world tour. Taylor Swift has two cats that she is obsessed with so we thought is was only appropriate to have them printed on our shirts. We also wrapped ourselves with glow sticks -- well, we attempted.

I went to the concert with my mom, my sister and my friend Emily. We got to the Century Link and literally everybody had signs, huge costumes, light up shirts and pants and headbands, literally anything you could think of. I remember saying "Yep well at least we tried", before we even got to our seats. It was insane. Everybody wanted it just as bad if not more. We got to our seats, which were in section 104 row 3, and started trying to make ourselves more noticeable with glow sticks. Like I said earlier, I failed at this attempt, but Jessica and Emily killed it in this department. Vance Joy came on stage and we all turned our signs on in hopes that someone would see them. He is so talented and was a great start to the night. Not too much later, Taylor Swift finally came on stage. Everyone in our group knew every single word of every song she sings, so we sang and danced the entire night, kind of forgetting about Loft 89. We were just having fun and dancing and singing and so freaking happy that we were in the same building as TSwift. Right when all of us put the Loft in the back of our heads is when the most unreal experience of my life happened.

I don't remember what song she was in the middle of singing when I spotted her mom walking toward us, but I will never forget anything else about that moment. I am singing and dancing and all of a sudden I see her mom and like four security guards looking at our group. Her mom is laughing at us because my sister and I are freaking out -- we knew what this meant. This meant we were going to meet Taylor Swift. She walks up to our row, comes up to us and asks, "have any of you every met Taylor?" We all said no and she made us pinky promise that we haven't. I think I hugged her like 4 times. I was in complete shock. She gave us a yellow piece of paper telling us what we were supposed to do and gave us each wristbands that said loft 89 with the date. I took a quick selfie with her before she went off to make 18 other people's nights.

From that moment on, the rest of the concert is a blur. I know I have said it a million times, but I was in complete shock. I have talked about meeting Taylor Swift to so many people for so long, but I never actually thought it would happen. I seriously could not believe that I was going to meet her, the whole thing felt like a huge dream.

When the concert ended, we waited in section 104 until everyone else in the arena left, so the only people who were still there were the people who were going to meet her. There were 22 of us. We had to fill out a form on an iPad saying who we were. The girl running it told us the rules. She told us that we were allowed to take photographs of the room when we got in there until Taylor Swift came in. When she came in, we had to put our phones away. We could only get one picture taken of the group, and no individual pictures. Each of us were to get one autograph. And Taylor would come around to each group and talk to us for a little bit. After all of the rules were said, we were taken backstage into the room. The room had pizza and cookies and pop (no wonder TS is my fav), a couch with a Loft 89 sign over it, a photo booth, and a huge TV that played different music videos. We were in there for probably 30 minutes before she came in. I was so nervous about what I was going to say, what I was going to do, etc. I did not want to be one of those girls that was freaking out and crying and such. I wanted to be normal -- which is hard when you are talking to TAYLOR FREAKING SWIFT. Finally the girl running it told us to put our phones away because Taylor was on her way in. A few minutes later, she walks in. Just walks in to the room I am sitting in and says "hey guys!". What????? I think I died. We sat on the couch part of the room, so we were the second to last group to talk to her. In the meantime we got to talk to her mom some more which OH MY LORD she is the sweetest woman to ever walk the Earth. Seriously, she is so great. So down to earth, so nice. No wonder Taylor Swift is such a good person -- she was raised by one. Her mom told us that she loved watching us during the concert because we looked like we were having so much fun, which is why she picked us. What an amazing woman to do this for Taylor's fans. 

Taylor talked to the other groups for probably 30 minutes before she got to us. When it was finally our turn, this is what took place:

She walked over and gave each of us a hug. I told her that I love how she's wearing tall heels like I was even though we are both tall to begin with. She saw our cat shirts and said that she loved them and they made her miss the cats, which were in the hotel she was staying at. She then said that she thinks that I am a little bit taller than her, which never happens. She asked if I was athletic and I said no, which she responded with telling the story about how she tried to play volleyball and it did not work out well, even though everyone thinks it would have gone great since she's so tall. SAME GIRL SAME. We bonded over being blessed with nonathletic height. I told her that I danced, (or maybe my mom told her that) and she said that was so non stereotypical because of our long limbs, and told us how awkward she was at dancing because of her long extremities. I then proceeded to kind of trip a little backwards (leave it to me) and I was like, "yep, see right there, obviously can't play sports." and she said "Oh no that was all part of your bit, it's fine." She saw our posters we made and said that she was really impressed with our electrical work that went into it. She complimented my sisters hair color. She then signed something for each of us, and asked us if we wanted to take a picture doing a cat pose or if we wanted to hug it out. We chose hug it out. After the picture was taken she gave us all another hug before she left. When she was walking away she said see you guys later, and I said "Yes, see you on instagram." And she said back to me, "Yes, and I will see you on instagram too." Dead.

I wish I could remember more details, more parts of the conversation, because I am sure I am missing things, but the whole night was a blur. I kept thinking I was dreaming, and honestly if I didn't have the picture evidence that it happened, I might still think that it was. Meeting Taylor Swift was my ultimate dream. The thing that I honestly never thought would happen in a million years. Well....obviously, dreams do come true.

Choose Kind

I love what I do. It is my heart, it is who I am, it is my whole entire world.

Loving what I do hasn't always been easy.

I was in elementary school when I started working with kids who have disabilities. At the ripe age of 5, I figured out what I was going to do for the rest of my life. All of the kids in my class knew that working in the special education rooms was my thing. Playing at recess with my best friend Jordan, who happens to have autism, was my thing. They knew no different. I never got any weird looks, or mean words said to me. No, that didn't start until later.

Fast forward to freshman year of high school. At my high school, we had modular scheduling. In the mods that I did not have class, I got the opportunity to volunteer as an aid. I fell in love with my passion one hundred times more during those 40 minute mods. Those kids in the classrooms I worked with changed my entire life, and they have no idea.

I loved being in the special education rooms, and didn't hide that love from anyone. Unfortunately, some kids saw me as the perfect target. High school is hard already, but I had to deal with one group of people constantly making fun of me, telling me that I had no friends, telling me that I belong in the special education classroom, yelling the r-word across the hallways, knowing that they would get a rise out of me. This went on for all four years, and as the years passed by, I got stronger. I could not care less about what any of these people said to me. I was, and still am, so passionate about what I do, that I would never and will never let anyone tear me down for doing what makes my heart happy.

I am not writing this to get attention from my mini "sob story". I am writing this because some people get bullied every single day for doing what they are passionate about, and allow their fire inside of them to get blown out by these bullies.

To the people who feel like they are less than someone else because of cruel, hurtful words: you are so much more. Let me repeat that: you are so much more. Never feel like anything that you ever choose to do is wrong, or weird, just because someone else doesn't understand it. Pursue your dreams.  Let them consume you. Be so passionate about something that it becomesBe the change. 
contagious.

If I let those people get to me, if I let them destroy me, I would not be who I am today. All those kids did was teach me to always, ALWAYS, choose kind. Every single day you are given the choice to be kind. In every situation you are put in throughout your entire life, you will have the opportunity to make a choice. I have learned that the right choice, is always, to be kind. Kind to family, kind to friends, kind to strangers, kind to yourself. Your life will be so much happier if you are constantly choosing kindness.

To the group of people who constantly made the conscious choice of cruelty, I hope you find this. I hope you read it and think about your future. I don't want you to think of the past, for I have forgiven you all a long, long time ago. I just hope that this makes you think of the future. I hope you make a better choice.

What is Camp Munroe?

Chances are, if you know me or follow me on any type of social media, you are familiar with a camp called, Camp Munroe. This is a camp for people with disabilities, where they are given the tools and friendships to reach their full potential. I have volunteered at Munroe since I was 14, and have been working there since I turned 16.

But that doesn't even begin to explain what Camp Munroe is. No -- it doesn't even scratch the surface.

For me, Camp is a place where I can go and share my passion with the other staff and volunteers. It is a place of learning, as I am able to come together with people who share the same love for people with disabilities and learn things from each other as we bounce ideas off of one another and figure out how to make each person successful. It is a place where I am able to mentor young middle school and high school kids who have a love for people with disabilities and teach them all of the things that I have learned at Camp throughout the years. It is a home away from home where I can be my whole self and feel nothing but love from every single person in the building. Camp is a network of families whom I have gotten the privilege to meet and grow close to, due to the common love for their spectacular child. It is a safe haven where I have made lifelong friendships with not only other staff, but with participants of all ages. Camp Munroe is a place that overflows my heart with so much joy and love and passion, and allows me to spread all of that goodness onto each and every person who walks under that yellow canopy. 

But that's just me. 

To the kids who walk through the glass double doors every morning, Camp is everything. To the campers, it is a place where they are looked at as "normal". It is a safe place where they can go and know that they are going to be treated with all the respect that they deserve. To the campers, Munroe is a place of opportunity; a place where they are able to play and dance and swim and swing and cook and draw and paint and sing and do everything any child of any ability should be able to do. To the kids, it is a circle of trust that forms bonds that will never be broken. Friendships that will last a lifetime, with people who understand them on a deeper level than most. It is a week that is highlighted on their calendars, while they are counting down the days until it is finally here. Camp Munroe is the place where they can go and be "just another kid" - which is what every single child desires.

And to the parents of the campers?

Camp Munroe is a safety blanket. An environment where they are able to leave their child knowing with all the confidence in the world that their child will be safe. Not only safe, but their child will be given the opportunities to grow, while having so much fun. I overheard the other morning a parent saying, "This is the only place where I can leave and be able to do normal every day things without worrying about what is going on with my child". To this parent, Camp Munroe is the only place where they don't have to worry. To parent's, Camp is a place of opportunity where they know that their child will be given the tools to be set up for success in all areas. It is a place where they know that they will grow, and learn, and achieve all while having the time of their life. To parent's, Camp Munroe is a break. A break from having to worry, a break from having to stress. The parent's who walk with their child into the double glass doors are able to leave without them, and breathe, knowing their child is in safe hands.

Camp Munroe means so much to so many people. I assure you that every single person who has gotten the opportunity to walk into the doors under the yellow canopy, have come out as better people  because of Camp. People who laugh a little harder, smile a little brighter, and love a little harder.  I leave work in a better mood than I was in when I got there. How awesome is that?

Forever feeling blessed due to the opportunities that I have been given because of this magical place.